Santa Con Survival

Attention all Non-Basics!  In case you haven't checked your Facebook status because you are enjoying this lovely December summer day, we would like to remind you that today is SantaCon!

This is a formal warning to all manhattan natives that our tiny little island will be overrun by the B&T's.  Long Island and Jersey are ready to have a field day on our asses!  They will stop at NOTHING to douche up the holidays by ordering rounds of Jagerbombs, using anywhere and anything as a toilet, and Scream Slurring for hours.  You can guarantee that there will be at least 100 bags of douches dressed as slutty reindeer or sexy santas in a drunk tank or being held in a jail cell for fighting and acting like the sluttiest amish person on Rumspringa before all of the alcohol in the world VANISHES!

As a warning, you must be prepared to witness the worst thing to happen to Christmas since the death of JonBenét.  You will Santa like you've never seen him before. There will be Steroid Santas:

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The Steroid Santa is feeling super pumped from his cross fit training this morning and can't wait to down some fucking shots brah! Sssherioushly.  He's usually hiding his homosexuality behind a jacked body and "surfer boy" voice affect.  Little does he know that he looks like the poster boy for SCRUFF.  Steroid Santa can be seen looking at himself in the mirror behind the bar,  Picking fights with other Steroid Santas (Cruising), or picking up their drunkgirlfriend Ash (Short for Ashley) off the ground while she scrambles to look for her light up reindeer antlers.

On your subway ride today, it is guaranteed that you will run into a few Selfie Santas:

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As if this basic ass craze couldn't get any more terrible and embarrassing, why not shamelessly show your ass hole to the world in a santa suit in the middle of Times Square.  The female Selfie Santas do tend to be a little more aggressive in my experience.  Although male Selfie Santas are a dime a dozen, the aggression of the female Selfie Santa is much more ferocious.  She will make sure that no one moves until she has the perfect Skinny Arm, her Santa Hat is flipped to her good side, and her bottle of Blue Moon is showing.  These Selfie Santas are the least self aware of all Santas so there is no reasoning with them.  Instead, ignore them until they go away like all Attention Monsters.

Now, as a Non-Basic, you may still be pissed that you are finding glitter in your apartment from Halloween this year, but these next Santas use SantaCon as one last hurrah to wear as little as possible and not feel guilty for sleeping with three people in one night.  This year I predict major influxes in Slutty Santas:

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The Slutty Santa tribe doesn't believe in winter weight.  They have worked through Cuffing Season to maintain their hot summer bods and have gotten full body waxes in preparation for today.  It seems like the fates are on their sides.( Personally, I think this sudden climate change stuff isn't just about the world ending and polar bears dying.  I think this sudden increase in temperature is Gods funny little way of saying, "Hey sluts, go get some."  You know?  ...Just me?)

The Slutty Santas are great because they are full of life and energy and Christmas Cheer until they have that onnnnnneee drink too many.  They usually start the day early and are spirited and hellish, but after hours and hours of perching on bars, sucking in their stomachs and flexing through the carbonated beer, they start to lose their steam.  Around 10:00 PM you may spot a number of Slutty Santas falling asleep at bars on Tinder, trying to get Uber to work, or crying in a doorframe outside begging to go home with a Steroid Santa.  May all of you Slutty Santas be safe and wrap your candy canes before running sleigh rides on each other.

The enemy to the Slutty Santa, besides clothing of course, is the Senseless Santa:

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The people that fall under the category of Sensless Santa wouldn't even know they fell under it.  THATS how senseless these Santas are!   They are the dads of the girls who SantaCon was invented for.  They are the "Beth" of your friend group (Everyone has a Beth, she's a natural puss face with food allergies and always wants to go home early. She is "nice."). They are the underaged idiots that think that tonight, of all nights, their brother or sisters ID will work.  These Senseless Santas can be seen on any wall at any time or going to the bathroom to actually use it instead of snorting a line off of Frosty the Snowman's carrot nose.  These Santas hold coats and props for the Slutty Santa and Selfie Santa friends, they are drinking Bud Light at the bar alone, or spend the entire day walking up and down Eighth Avenue.  You just want to help them out and tell them to go home.  As a whole, they are a pretty harmless tribe, but they will kill the vibe of the more celebrated Santas with boredom or creepiness.  As a non basic, you can sometimes use a Senseless Santa to your advantage to combat an influx of those more celebrated Santas.

While our main concern is with those not celebrating SantaCon.  We do urge all of you Basics to avoid becoming a Suspended Santa:

Any of the aforementioned Santas can easily become a Suspended Santa by the end of the night.  The mixture of Christmas Spirit and Fireball Shots gives a false sense of hope and invincibility to the Suspended Santas.  They lose all respect for themselves, their friends and people around them and authority figures.  Suspended Santas often wear metal cuffs around their white santa coat cuffs and enjoy being pushed against cars and screaming.  If you have become a Suspended Santa, there is no hope for you.  You have ruined the night and you are the douchebag of douchebags.  

As the Sun begins to set at 4:00 PM on this scorching December Holiday Bar crawl evening.  Remember, if there is an emergency and you live in Midtown or the Meatpacking District, you may seek shelter anywhere above 125th street.  Harlem is the least popular area in terms of Santa activity because studies have shown that SantaCon is a mostly Caucasian ass event.  May all Santas that celebrate work hard to stay on Santa's Good List and remember, if you see any of the aforementioned Santas on the street, on the subway or coming near you or your family.  RUN.  Run for the protection of your coolness and towards the promise of never being basic!!!

-M.M.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jason Simons