Happy Cuffing Season!

We've all felt it. As your summer glass of provence-y rosé slowly turns to a tear filled glass of extra thick eggnog and loneliness, we realize all of the slutty slutty feelings we were having before are slowly turning into dreams and visions of a partner and monogamy.  Suddenly those hysterically empowering one night stands and the walks of shame seem embarrassing and infantile.  You yearn for something more and you are not the only one.  Even the sluttiest boys and girls of summer have started shacking up and feeling the wrath of cuffing season.  Cuffing season has been described as the period of time when people who would normally be promiscuous, look to settle down with ( and sometimes physically settle for) a partner to survive winter with.   Much like a squirrel gathers its nuts, the single men and women of the world are looking to tie down that GUUD GUUD before winters wrath really takes over.  Before fully committing to that one person to share the next few months with, make sure you follow some of the requirements for a successful cuffing season.

1. Be an adult, not a dick.

Going from a slew of summer hotties to one winter partner can be a difficult decision.   Although some studies may show cuff behavior in children as young as high school, you want to make sure you aren't stuck with a total Peter Pan, or Daddy's Little Girl. You must make sure that your winter partner isn't a complete dick.  Make sure this person is nice, has a sex towel that is different from their bath towel, and isn't going to sleep with your friends.

2.  Make sure the sex is good

Lets face it, sex is a huge part of cuffing season.  If Cuffing Season was a five course meal, sex would be the damn entree.  So make sure that you are stuffed and aren't going to need to look for seconds right away.

3. Cuff Responsibly

The traditional idea behind cuffing is to have a partner for the winter and immediately end things once Sheep's Meadow selfies get taken again, but sometimes what starts off as a meeting of convenience winds up being something that lasts a little longer.  They say Barack and Michelle met during cuffing season of '85...  Try not to get too attached to your cuffing partner, however if you are still having fun by the time April rolls around and you are considering keeping it going, don't throw away something that makes you happy.

4.  Play the field

You hear people complain about not being able to meet good people all the time.  I live in New York City and I still hear friends complain every day about how hard it is to meet the right person.   You have to go out and meet people, or at least get over your hangups with TinderGrindrOkCupid and the millions of other booty resources available to you and make a damn profile!  If you are more of a traditionalist and hope that the universe will provide love before an app, Cara Anthony at The Indianapolis Star has published A Singles Guide to searching for your next cuffing season Bae.

5. Keep it moving

During these atrociously frigid winter months it is easy to get lazy and make excuses for not doing daily activities.  This will force you to stay cooped up with your cuffing partner which could put a strain on the relationship and eventually ruin it before Valentine's Day.  So don't make cuffing season the priority in your life. Make sure your cuffing partner isn't going to weigh you down and don't let your cuffing relationship prevent you from being the boss bitch or big daddy that you are meant to be. 

6. Don't overthink the plus one

Cuffing season also happens during the magical winter wedding months to remind you even more of your loneliness.  Make sure if you attend a wedding or holiday with your cuffing partner, that you don't get hypnotized into forgetting your slutty roots.   You will see your family and friends slowly forcing you into fantasies of you and your cuff partner living traditional lives, but just fight it and if your relatives still won't leave you alone just say, "I'm in it for the ass Aunt Leslie!   I'm getting some!"  Aunt Leslie will back off.

7.  If you wannabe my Cuffer....

You've gotta get with my friends!  Remember, during these harsh winter weeks the best people to have around are your friends.  Whether its getting through a holiday party by judging everyone around you or "continuing watching" 30 Rock for the sixth hour today, your friends are the unsung heroes of cuffing season.  They are there if you don't wind up shacking up in time, which is great,  but if you do find a partner, you want to make sure that they get along with your Ride or Dies. Your friends are the ones that are going to have to deal with you and your new partner and they've known you the longest, so trust your friends and take it as a sign if all of your friends think your cuff isn't on point, theres probably some logic in listening to those signs.  (Disregard if your version of friends are selfish  trolls that are going to hate anyone you bring in regardless of how you feel.)

8. Cuffing is more than just sex

Cuffing season is a slut's baby steps into relationships and although its all about shacking up and having companionship and sex throughout the winter, you also want to make sure your cuff isn't a complete idiot.  If she can only talk passionately about which Real Housewife is the biggest hero, or he insists that Crossfit is the only topic of conversation worth having, your partner is probably gorgeous but vapid.  Most of these cuffs will need a midseason replacements and may leave you in the middle of cuffing season lonelier than ever with only the Cuffing Season rejects to pick from like guys who still wear Abercrombie "Fierce" and girls with Bumpits.  So think with your brain not with your G-spot (Men have G spots too)

9.  Have fun

No matter what, dating is about having a good time and meeting someone that may potentially affect the rest of your life.  Make sure that on the first date you aren't thinking of any of that.  If it is your goal to have a cuffing relationship eventually turn into a real relationship, you have to lay the foundation as a cuffer first.  Even if you are a total Charlotte, make sure that you seem independent and self confident.  No one is going to want to shack up with someone with a vision board that has a bunch of wedding dresses on it or hear how your mother is dying to have a new daughter in the house.  Keep it cool and have fun, you guys!

9.  Get F*cked

The whole point of cuffing season!  Have great winter sex in order to stop you from regretting every decision you've made since high school.  Whether you plan on cuffing just for the hell of it, or you are looking for the next big relationship of your life, always make sure you are having the best possible sex you can be having.  If you aren't, go find some!  Be safe, wear condoms, and respect yourself and others.

10.  Play Fair

Finally remember that even cuffing relationships take time, energy and patience.  You are two people trying to survive together.  Just because YOU see your cuff as a definite solution to your loneliness and the next person that is going to be great for you, doesn't necessarily mean that that person feels the same way.  You cannot force someone to like you or to continue sleeping with you even if you know that it would help them or that you would have a successful, fun, sexy relationship. Don't be a dick, but don't be too available.  The only thing you should do is play fair.  Communicate with your partner, get what you both need out of the relationship, compromise for the greater good and respect each other.  Thats the only way to ensure a completely successful cuffing relationship.

If all else fails and you wind up alone in the middle of February with 15 extra pounds, a paid subscription to J date and no one to sleep next to, book a damn vacation and get yours in the Caribbean!  Invest in your damn self instead of a cuffing partner, chase the money until you have enough for a vacation and find yourself some island ass.  Either way, may Santa bring all of you a lovely P or V to cuddle with for the holiday season. 

Happy Holidays Hoes!


Jason Simons