Look What You Made Me Do

“let me tell you which one my face doesn’t look fat in/ugh you can use it but please don’t tag me/he just unfollowed me/she’s like literally always on vacation/why is everyone getting married this weekend?/their life just seems so perfect/I hate my dumb smile/I need a good caption for this/how does she have so many followers?/look who just saw my ig story/yes queen you look amaaaaazing!”

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          I remember when I first got Facebook. Without going into detail as to WHEN that was, let me just say that my pink Nikon camera had to connect to my laptop and upload a profile picture. I remember repeatedly asking my mom to take another picture and another picture of me until I had the right angle, my hair looked good, and I looked like a fun girl who definitely didn’t fear the world post high school. It seemed harmless! A private website that only connects college kids. I could totally keep up with my friends from high school and meet new friends in a foreign state, foreign town or down the hall from my dorm.

       Before I knew it, my entire existence was on the internet for everyone to see. People saw me in my college shows, parties that shouldn’t have been documented, boyfriends, best friends, breakups, new jobs, old jobs, bad hair, weight gain, weight loss, my entrance into “adulthood”, and a puppy. It was impossible for me or anyone in my generation to not be fully aware of how we were perceived. Now, things that made me happy didn’t seem valid enough unless A LOT of people liked it and told me I should be happy. It was bizarre. Everything was crafted…. And if you’re sitting here reading this denying that you crafted your life a little, too…. I see you (in a loving way, of course).

        After a breakup that left me super sad and broken, life started to shift. The sadder/darker I got, the funnier I became, the more open I became and the more real/flawed/human I became. Not saying that sadness made me real, but the low point of feeling like I couldn’t keep up with the hot shot Instagram girls was almost liberating? I think. There were definitely times I tried to be like them…. And failed miserably. (side note: power to those girls. Live it up. be you). I failed to the point where I had the wrong hair color, dated the wrong people, wore all the wrong outfits, and most importantly was the wrong me. One day, an ex posted some “positive quote” he found on his tea and I went to a mental white room for a second and then came back down. “Ok,” I thought, “There needs to be a company that tells you the truth or what you need to hear, like, ‘get a job’.” (not implying that the ex needed a job, pretty sure he was employed but that was what popped in my head) “You could call it RealiTea and it would be like the opposite of those tea quote companies that don’t always totally make sense to me.” Now trademarks are fun and RealiTea turned into RealiTcheck and I am ok with it…for now. I’ll go into that when you’re older.

       So I started this “idea”. Now, if you haven’t gathered by now, I majored in MUSICAL THEATRE in college, much to my father’s dismay. I learned how to try to still act through a song while singing so incredibly high you actually get high, and that 2 inch character heels are just a no-no. I obviously knew more than that, I just never gave myself enough credit. Anyway, the 20s were a real ride, kids. I learned a lot, did a lot, and before I knew it, I hit 30 and thought “fuuuuckkkkkk”. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and stopped worrying about what people thought I hadn’t done yet. “I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna start this company. I have no idea how but, yolo.” I met my neighbor in my hall when we realized we both had crazy dogs that needed to run it out in the hallway during the dead of NYC winter. If I CAN give myself credit, it’s that my gut instincts are always right- whether I listen to it is another story. I listened to it and I approached him with the idea. I knew he was the right guy to help get this off the ground and he hasn’t proved me wrong yet. Jason. Don’t fuck this up. jk!

          Now the trick was to actually personally buy what I was selling. So I went inward. I worked on my bullshit that held me back (and sometimes still does), I took out the hair extensions/stopped frying my hair with bleach, started saying no to things that just made me miserable, tapped in to what made ME happy/confident/content, realized my dog was the pure example of living in your own truth at every moment, and most importantly, finally understood that THIS was my life. My life wasn’t my past and it’s not my future yet. I am living right now and whatever that is, is real and good. It’s not perfect but its funny, weird, serendipitous, disappointing, loving, busy, lonely, social, successful and real. It’s all of those things. That’s reality. That’s my RealiTcheck.

P.S.- don’t be a troll on social media. It’s really fuckin’ rude.